Tales of a Symphonic Journey: The Epic Trilogy
by LyallAurion
Summary: My hopefully permanent ToS comedy. Colette needs experience points, Kratos is always better than you, and Sheena's the subject of those annoying "boobie" jokes. Rated "M" to be safe.
1. A Foreboding Oracle

Lyall: Woot, rewrite! Yep, a rewrite of a ToS parody-thingy. ...Well, more like a complete redo. As usual, my brother is helping. He helps on comedy-based things. I suck at comedy. I enjoy it, though. AND FOR YER INFORMATION, I DO SOME COMEDY THINGS. Like in this review for my Fire Emblem fanfic, this person said I didn't do most of it! LIES. I do some of the greatest laughs, actually. (feels proud)

Colette: Yay, rewrite! (trips over nothing)

Genis: That's our Colette...

Zelos: That's my cute, angelic hunny! (heart)

Sheena: Ugh, you even hit on an ironing board?

Colette: What's an ironing board?

Lloyd: A board...that IRONS! I need to go buy me one of those.

Lyall: Umm, whom should have the displeasure of doing the disclaimer...Kratos! He needs to lighten up, anyways. (actually hardcore Kratos fan)

Kratos: ...

Lyall: ...Rats. YUAN!

Yuan: ...What? (watching "Texas Chainsaw Massacre")

Lyall: Disclaimer.

Yuan: She doesn't own Tales of Symphonia. There. (goes back to TV) AHAHA HE DIED!

---

UBER PROLOGUE:

_There was a tree that made stuff live. Bad people made it stop breathing. A good guy died to save the tree. A goddess got sad. She told the half-e--__**angels**_

_"Wake me up, or you die."_

_Half-e--__**ANGELS**__ made two special people that could do stuff when they went into a big tower. It was so big it went to Pluto. And that started the field trip into the sky._

-

_'One fish, two fish, red fish, blue fish. A B C D E--'_

(WHAM)

A glue gun connected with the face of Lloyd.

"AAUGH! WHY'D YOU DO DAT? I was singing my ABCs," Lloyd cried.

"Why do you _sing_ the alphabet during your SLEEP?" Raine barked. "I'm in the middle of a very important lecture!"

"If I don't recite them every day, I forget them," Lloyd replied.

"What an idiot...why am I best friends with him...?" Genis sighed.

"Okay, fine, Genis, you answer the question," Raine said, retrieving her glue gun.

"Yes, Raine," Genis said, standing up. "Pi is 3.1415926535897932384626433832795028841971693993751058209749445923078164062862089986280348253421170679821480865132823066470938446095505822317253594081284811174502841027019385211055596446229489549303819644288109756659334461284756482337867831652712019091456485669234603486104543266482133936072602491412737245870066063155881748815209209628292540917153643678925903600113305305488204665213841469519415116094330572703657595919530921861173819326117931051185480744623799627495673518857527248912279381830119491298336733624406566430860213949463952247371907021798609437027705392171762931767523846748184676694051320005681271452635608277857713427577896091736371787214684409012249534301465495853710507922796892589235420199561121290219608640344181598136297747713099605187072113499999983729780499510597317328160963185950244594553469083026425223082533446850352619311881710100031378387--" He got cut off by a blinding flash of light.

"NO, YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE!" Lloyd jumped into a trash chute.

"Whoah, we have a trash chute?" Genis questioned out loud.

"Wow, the light hurts," Colette remarked.

"Uhh, that's the sun," Genis said. "The oracle's over there." He turned Colette's head towards the beam of light.

"Ohh," she mumbled.

"Everyone, that's the oracle," Raine announced. "I'll go check it out."

"I want to, too!" Colette chirped. "I wanna see shiny. Shiny is good. You taught me that. I like shiny."

"No, Colette, I'll go alone," Raine said. "If it was indeed the oracle, priests from the temple will fetch you." Raine ran out of the classroom.

"Now what?" Lloyd asked, head out of the chute.

"Uhh, Sis is checking out the Martel Temple, you smell like last week's lunch, and Colette can now use five words in a sentence."

"Whoah, isn't that a bit...uhh, much?" Lloyd asked. "I don't think her brain can take it."

"Nah, she only needs four pills now," Genis shrugged.

"Wow, Colette, you're amazing!" Lloyd cheered.

"Yep!" Colette smiled. "Let's go after the shiny. Shiny is good. Professor taught me that. I like shiny."

"Whoah, the Chosen **CAN** do anything!" Lloyd remarked, apparently amazed at Colette's...err, condition. "Anyways, I totally wanna check out the temple."

"Wow!" exclaimed Colette. "How can Lloyd use so--" She started drooling.

"It's okay, Colette, break it up into smaller sentences," Genis said.

"How can Lloyd. Use so many. Words in sentences?" Colette asked.

"I practice my Dwarven Vows", Lloyd smugly said.

"Don't you mean ABCs?" Genis sighed.

"Shut up, Genis!"

"You can use bad words. Too? I need forty more. Experience points to do that!" Colette gasped.

"Whoah, awesome!" Genis said, astonished. "How'd you get ten points so fast?"

"I pray," Colette answered. "Half point every praying. Took me ten days."

"Awesome, Colette," Lloyd replied. "Anyways, let's go to the temple."

"No, Lloyd! My sis said to stay put!" Genis protested.

"Oh, Colette, there's SHINY at the temple," Lloyd said in a sing-song voice.

"Shiny?" Colette said, eyes wide. "I like shiny. Shiny is good. Professor taught me that. I want to see shiny. Shiny is friend." Colette skipped outside.

"You heard her, Genis," Lloyd said. "No stopping her now."

Genis sighed. "...Fine, but I'm not gonna be responsible."

"Relax!" Lloyd smiled. "We'll take a quick peek and be back here before the Professor catches us."

"Okay...," Genis mumbled.

Outside, Lloyd and Genis saw Colette staring at the sun. Again.

"Oracle shiny...," Colette commented.

"Colette, oracle THAT way," Lloyd sighed, then turned her head towards the temple.

"Ohh..."

"Hey, Colette, look. It's your father," Genis said, pointing east, where Frank, Colette's father, was walking towards the trio.

"Daddy!" Colette chirped. She'll keep chirping, so get used to it.

"Frank?" Genis said, puzzled. "Why are you here?"

"I came to deliver Colette's pills," he replied, then handed a pill package to Colette.

"...Vyaqra?" Colette said, trying her best to read.

"Sorry, angel, that's mine," Frank hastily said and quickly swapped the pills. "THIS is your jello."

"Yay!" Colette chirped and ate the jello.

"Why'd you give her jello?" Lloyd asked. "I wanted jello."

"You see, Colette can't eat anything harder than an apple, as she's missing thirty-five experience points. I have to grind her pills into some jello solution," Frank explained.

"Ohh...," the two boys replied.

"Anyways, you better watch out. There's monsters around," Frank warned the trio, then ran back home.

"All right, let's go!" Lloyd energetically said, punching the air.

"Okay, Lloyd, just one problem," Genis said. "We don't have any weapons...!"

"Don't worry, leave that to me!" Lloyd said. He snapped two branches off a nearby tree. "These are mine. Genis, get that brick and tie this yarn ball to it." Lloyd handed Genis a pink yarn ball. "Oh, and Colette, here's two Cheerios." He handed Colette two Cheerios.

"...These are blue," Colette said.

"Oh yeah, they've been in my pocket for a while. Might help you do some extra damage," Lloyd said.

"Okay!" Colette chirped. Yeah, get used to that.

"Uhh, Lloyd, I wouldn't call these weapons...," Genis sighed.

"Fine, we'll use you as a shield," Lloyd suggested.

"...Okay, I like my brick," Genis mumbled. The three then headed towards Iselia's northern gate, but all of a sudden...

"Crap, monster!" Lloyd exclaimed. The screen broke into lots of pieces, and the battle system appeared.

**LLOYD  
****GENIS  
****COLETTE  
**vs  
**ZOMBIE **

(**LLOYD** used **TWIG BLADE**!)  
(**ZOMBIE** received **0.2 DAMAGE**!)  
(**GENIS** used **THROW: BRICK**!)  
(**ZOMBIE** received **8.3 DAMAGE**!)  
(**COLETTE** used **CANCER CHEERIOS**!)  
(**ZOMBIE** received **9999 DAMAGE**!)  
(**ZOMBIE** got the status effect **CANCER**!)  
(**ZOMBIE** died!)  
(**PARTY** received **ROTTING FLESH**!) 

"Whoo, we won!" Genis cheered.

"Uh oh, another one!" Colette cried. The battle screen popped up again.

**LLOYD  
GENIS  
****COLETTE  
**vs  
**ZOMBIE  
****GHOST **

(**LLOYD** used **STICK RAIN **on **ZOMBIE**!)  
(**ZOMBIE** received **0.8 DAMAGE**!)  
(**GENIS** used **STRANGLE** on **ZOMBIE**!)  
(**ZOMBIE** received **630 DAMAGE**!)  
(**ZOMBIE** died!)  
(**COLETTE** used **ROTTING CHEERIO **on **GHOST**!)  
(**GHOST** received **3.333... DAMAGE**!)  
(**GHOST** used** TSUKIYOMI **on **LLOYD**!)  
(**LLOYD** received **9999 DAMAGE**!)\  
(**LLOYD** got the status effect **BLACKOUT**!)  
(**LLOYD** died!)  
(**COLETTE** used** LIFE BOTTLE **on** LLOYD**!)  
(**LLOYD** regained consciousness!)  
(**LLOYD **used **TREE FANG **on** GHOST**!)  
(**GHOST** received **1.07 DAMAGE**!)  
(**GENIS** used **FLAMING YARN OF PINK**!)  
(**GHOST** received **402.9317 DAMAGE**!)  
(**GHOST** died!)  
(**PARTY** received **ROTTING BONE MARROW**!)  
(**PARTY** received** REAPER CLOTH**!) 

Annoying to read, more annoying to type.

"Woohoo, we won! We ROCK!" Lloyd exclaimed.

"Whee!" Colette chirped ('Chirped' will be the verb I use for Colette 50 percent of the time).

"Now let's go to the temple!" Lloyd said. The three ran off towards the light-emanating Martel Temple.

Meanwhile, on a planet of floating, purpley mana that was hidden from sight...

"Hey, you in position?" asked a female-looking blond dude wearing too much spandex in his AWESOMELY RETRO walkie-talkie.

"Yes, General Manwhore," replied a voice from the walkie-talkie.

"I AM **NOT** A MANWHORE!" screamed the blondie.

"Yes you are. Anyways, since I complimented you, I better get a raise," said the other voice.

"SHUT UP! Well, at least you didn't call me something like 'Commander Ass-for-brains.'"

"Oh, you found out your nickname."

"WAT?"

"Nothing."

Back to Sylvarant.

Along the way, Lloyd and co. fought a few wild rabbits, wolves, hawks, and the occasional bee on steroids.

"Phew, we finally made it," Lloyd sighed.

"Shiny..." Colette was staring at the sun again.

"No, Colette, the oracle's over there," Genis said, turning Colette's head towards the beam of light on the Martel Temple.

"Ohh..."

"Hey, something's happening up there," Lloyd said.

"I hear swords," Colette said.

"Let's go, then!" Lloyd said. The three ran up the stairs, and saw dead priests and people wearing red, black, and silver.

"OMIGAWD!" Genis gasped.

"IT'S SANTA!" Colette chirped.

"No, they're Desians!" Genis snapped.

"Uhh, don't we have a treaty with them?" Lloyd scratched his head.

"Yeah! But then...why are they attacking?" Genis questioned.

"Where is the Chosen?" a man asked. He had a ghetto goatee and was wearing a pimp toga. Apparently, he was the leader of these Desians.

"Colette, whom is actually the Chosen but I'm not going to tell Botta here, run!" an old hag a.k.a. Phaidra near the temple entrance shouted.

"Ah, so that girl is the Chosen," Botta said. "SEIZE HER!"

**LLOYD  
****GENIS  
****COLETTE  
**vs  
**FOOT SOLDIER** **x3**

(**LLOYD** used **STEM BLADE **on **FOOT SOLDIER 1**!)  
(**FOOT SOLDIER 1** received **30.9 DAMAGE**!)  
(**GENIS** used **BRICK SMASH **on **FOOT SOLDIER 1**!)  
(**FOOT SOLDIER 1** received **42.17 DAMAGE**!)  
(**FOOT SOLDIER 1** died!)  
(**COLETTE** used **CANCER CHEERIO **on **FOOT SOLIDER 2**!)  
(**FOOT SOLIDER 2** received **9999 DAMAGE**!)  
(**FOOT SOLIDER** got the status effect **CANCER**!)  
(**FOOT SOLIDER 2** died!)  
(**FOOT SOLDIER 3** used **SLASH** on **LLOYD**!)  
(**LLOYD** received **67 DAMAGE**!)  
(**LLOYD **used **SPLINTER** on** FOOT SOLDIER 3**!)  
(**FOOT SOLDIER 3** received **102 DAMAGE**!)  
(**FOOT SOLDIER 3** got the status effect **SPLINTER**!)  
(**FOOT SOLDIER 3 **died!)  
(**PARTY** received **DIRTY UNDERWEAR **x2!)  
(**PARTY** received **BOTTLE OF MANSWEAT**!)

"Damn...," Botta cursed. "Get them, Vidarr!" A fat, mammoth-like guy wearing a belly-button shirt and wielding a ball-and-chain emerged from the temple.

"I'll kill you!" he said. Woo, battle system.

**LLOYD  
****GENIS  
****COLETTE  
**vs  
**VIDARR**

(**LLOYD** used** STICK POKE**!)  
(**VIDARR** received **0.004 DAMAGE**!)  
(**GENIS** used** THROW: BRICK**!)  
(**VIDARR** received **3 DAMAGE**!)  
(**COLETTE** used** CHEERIO THRUST**!)  
(**VIDARR **received** 2.5 DAMAGE**!)  
(**VIDARR **used **BARF** on** PARTY**!)  
(**PARTY **received** 199 DAMAGE**!)  
(**PARTY **is in **CRITICAL HEALTH**!)

"Damn, he's too strong," Lloyd panted.

"EEEEEWWWW!" Genis cried.

"Shiny...!" Colette said.

"Colette, that's the sun. Again," Genis sighed.

"Prepare to meet your maker!" Vidarr boomed and threw his ball-and-chain at the two heroes and half heroine. Lloyd and Genis braced themselves, but nothing hit them. Colette continued to stare at the sun. When Lloyd looked up, he saw a man clad in purple.

"...What...?" Lloyd said, surprised.

**LLOYD  
GENIS  
COLETTE  
MYSTERY DUDE** (who is SUPPOSED to be question mark question mark question mark, but I can't type (I changed it to a single question mark, but parentheses-then-question-mark doesn't WORK)  
vs  
**VIDARR**

(**LLOYD** used** APPLE GEL**!)  
(**LLOYD** regained** 150 HEALTH**!)  
(**GENIS **used** APPLE GEL**!)  
(**GENIS **regained** 150 HEALTH**!)  
(**COLETTE **used** ELIXIR**!)  
(**COLETTE **regained** ALL HEALTH**!)  
(**COLETTE **got the status effect **DIARRHEA**!)  
(**COLETTE **fled!)  
(**MYSTERY DUDE **used **UBERNESS**!)  
(**VIDARR** received **9999 DAMAGE**!)  
(**VIDARR **died!)  
(**PARTY **received** BALL-AND-CHAIN**!)  
(**PARTY **received** TOOTH**!)  
(**PARTY** recieved **VIKING HELMET!**)

"Damn, never thought I'd see you here. Retreat for now!" Botta commanded. He and his troops fled.

"Wow...he's amazing!" Genis gasped, in awe of the new guy.

"Yeah!" Colette chirped.

"Pssh, he ain't THAT great...," Lloyd scoffed.

"So...this girl is the next Chosen," the mystery man said.

"Yes," confirmed Phaidra. "There were priests that were supposed to accompany Colette into the temple, but the Desians killed them."

"All right, then! Genis and I will help Colette through the temple!" Lloyd happily said.

"...You and Genis, Lloyd? I'm sorry, but there's a height requirement to enter the Martel Temple," Phaidra explained. She then pointed towards a sign with a mark at six feet. It read:

_You must be at least six feet to enter the Martel Temple. Unless you're the Chosen._

"Why do you think the pastors wear such big hats?" scoffed Genis. "Don't you listen in class?"

"Hey, I'm six feet!" shouted Lloyd.

"Not really," Phaidra sighed. "You're five feet eight."

"...Your name...is Lloyd?" the purple man questioned out loud, apparently by accident.

"TELL ME YOUR NAME, AND I'LL TELL YOU MINE!" Lloyd shouted.

"I already know your name," the auburn-haired man sighed. "My name is Kratos. I am a traveling mercenary, and I just happened to come across this area."

"KRATOS? WHAT A GAY NAME!" Lloyd screamed. "LLOYD IS SO MUCH BETTER THAN KRATOS!"

"I wanna see shiny...!" Colette cried.

"Uh oh, we better get inside quick, or Colette's going to snap," Phaidra warned the others. "Kratos, I'll hire you to make sure Colette's okay. Genis, ride on Lloyd's shoulders. Then you'll be high enough."

"I have no objections," Kratos said dully.

"Woo, I get to see the temple!" Lloyd cheered.

"Aw man...," whined Genis.

Colette was now staring at the sun.

"Uh, Colette, you're staring at the sun again," Genis said.

"...Oh."

"Hey, Kratos isn't six feet!" Lloyd screamed. "SO HE CAN'T COME!"

"Actually, I'm six foot one," Kratos replied.

"DAMNIT!"

"Uh, by the way, Lloyd, can I take the ball-and-chain? I don't wanna use this brick and yarn anymore," Genis said.

"Hmph, fine, but we have to keep the brick. It's awesome."

"Can we get going already?" Kratos sighed.

"Yeah, to the temple!" Lloyd exclaimed. "Okay, Genis, get on."

"With this ball-and-chain...?"

"I can always ride on you."

"...I'm getting on."

"There you go!"

"HURRY UP ALREADY...!" Kratos shouted. He and Colette were already inside.

"Wow, I'm actually the Chosen!" Colette gasped in utter amazement.

Lloyd and Genis then quickly entered as well.

---

Lyall: ...Aww, it's not as funny as we intended...

Lloyd: No kidding.

Lyall: But whatever. I'm proud of the battle system. (happy) Woot!

Colette: ...Cancer Cheerios...? That's creepy.

Zelos: I know, like totally!

Sheena: (bored) When can I be in the story?

Presea: When you try to kill the Chosen's group.

Lyall: (can no longer rant) DANG IT!


	2. CHERRY!

Lyall: Yay, second chappie. I'm listening to "Like a Glint of Light" nao. Woot.

Lloyd: ...Uhh...isn't that like battle music...?

Lyall: Yeah, I forget from where in the game, though. OMG IT CHANGED TO "LLOYD'S THEME"!

Lloyd: YEAH, I RULE! (gets run over)

Zelos: Heheh. (ran over Lloyd with bulldozer)

Genis: AH, ZELOS, WHAT DID YOU **DO**?

Zelos: ...I ran him over. He's in a better place, anyways.

(IN HEAVEN)

Lloyd: ...Oh...my...gawd. FREE WIIS, XBOX 360S, AND PS3S! I LOVE THIS PLACE! OMFG HALO 3!

Genis: (uses Life Bottle on Lloyd)

Lloyd: (slowly fading away from Heaven) NO, NO, NOOOOOOO! (goes back to Sylvarant)

Genis: You okay, Lloyd?

Lloyd: I _was_... (weeping)

Zelos: Toldya, brat.

Lloyd: Genis, I hate you now. You'll be properly fucked next time I see you.

Genis: SHUT UP!

Lyall: Umm, I don't own Tales of Symphonia, its characters, places, etc. I own Kratos, though (not really). I also don't own Link's techniques.

Lloyd: (stabs self) (goes to Niflheim) AAAAUGH! WHAT **IS** THIS PLACE? (hears disturbing noises)

Genis: (uses Life Bottle on Lloyd)

Lloyd: (revived) Genis, that was the worst 14 seconds of my life. I love you. (paranoid)

Kratos: ... (sweatdrop)

Lyall: HOLY CRUD, "LLOYD'S THEME" IS 8:01 MINUTES LONG!

---

"Wow, this place is HUGE!" Lloyd exclaimed as he looked in the interior of the temple. He heard an echo of his voice. "Uhh, guys, someone else is in here..."

"Idiot, that's just your echo," Kratos said. "The Martel Temple is very large, if you haven't noticed. Not a lot's in here, either."

"I think Lloyd was dropped on his head at birth," Genis said.

"Genis, that was a very cliched line," Lloyd sighed. "You should go kill yourself."

"FINE!" Genis shouted. He then jumped off of Lloyd's shoulders. Both of them poofed outside.

"What the heck?" Lloyd shouted, in confusion.

"Ohh, we're no longer tall enough to enter...," Genis mumbled. He then got back on Lloyd, and Lloyd walked back inside.

"Lloyd, crouch down," Kratos said.

"Okayy...," Lloyd said and crouched. He and Genis then poofed back outside.

"DAMN YOU, KRATOS!"

Lloyd and Genis got back inside.

"Lloyd, are your sword skills self-taught?" Kratos asked.

"Yeah, why?" Lloyd replied.

"..." Kratos handed Lloyd A Dummies' Guide To Swordfighting: Baby Edition.

"What the heck? I don't need no gay guide. I fight good enough," Lloyd scoffed. "Anyways, why's the book so damn old? It's like someone peed on it. Hey, there's a name here. M...i--"

Kratos took the book back, wrote Lloyd's name on it with a black Sharpie, and handed it back to Lloyd.

"Ohh, it was **my** name!" Lloyd "realized."

"Ooh, jello!" Colette cried and ran over to a slimy-looking monster.

"NO, COLETTE, THAT'S--" Genis started.

"Hm?" Colette ate all of the monster.

"Chosen, that was a Slime. A monster," Kratos sighed.

"I found the prize! I think it's raspberry!" Colette chirped, tuning Kratos out. She proudly held out the orb that was inside the Slime.

"Colette, that's not--" Lloyd started, but Colette then ate the sphere.

"CHERRY!"

The guys all sighed.

Eventually, the four made their way downstairs, Colette eating every Slime. Apparently, eating disease-ridden monsters has no effect on dumb blondes.

"Hey, is that the Sorcerer's Ring?" Genis asked, pointing to the Sorcerer's Ring.

"Yep!" Colette answered. "It's needed to destroy barriers. The ones in here."

"Wow, a dinky thing like that can kill magic?" Lloyd asked in awe. "Coolz!"

"Uh, guys, what's that?" Genis asked, pointing to a Golem that was running towards them.

"It's a monster! Get ready!" Kratos warned.

**LLOYD**

**GENIS**

**COLETTE**

**KRATOS**

vs

**GOLEM**

(**LLOYD** used **TWIG SLASH**!)

(**GOLEM** received **0.00004 DAMAGE**!)

(**GENIS** used **THROW: BALL-AND-CHAIN**!)

(**GOLEM** received **70 DAMAGE**!)

(**COLETTE** used **FURRY CHEERIOS**!)

(**GOLEM** received **23.02 DAMAGE**!)

(**KRATOS** used **ENDING BLOW**!)

(**GOLEM** received **XXXX DAMAGE**!)

(**GOLEM** got the status effect **ONE-HIT KO**!)

(**GOLEM** died!)

(**PARTY **received **ROCK**!)

"Hey, it turned into a block," Lloyd said.

"Uh-oh!" Colette tripped and pushed the block into a ginormous gap into the abyss.

"Aha...!" Genis exclaimed.

"I see...," Kratos said.

"...What?" Lloyd asked, very confused.

"Wait," Kratos said. "Another should appear." A ginormous, steroid-infused Golem materialized. It took up half of the room.

"HOLY CRAP!" Lloyd screamed.

"Get ready," Kratos said.

**LLOYD**

**GENIS**

**COLETTE**

**KRATOS**

vs

**STEROID GOLEM** (BOSS)

(**LLOYD** used **TWIG LAUNCH**!)

(**S. GOLEM** received **14.028 DAMAGE**!)

(**GENIS** used **INDIGNATION**!)

(**S. GOLEM **received** 201 DAMAGE**!)

(**COLETTE** used **MOLDY CHEERIOS**!)

(**S. GOLEM **received **101 DAMAGE**!)

(**KRATOS** used **AVOID THE PAPPARAZZI**!)

(**KRATOS'S EVASIVENESS** increased **10X**!)

(**S. GOLEM** used **STEROID PUNCH **on **LLOYD**!)

(**LLOYD** received **9999 DAMAGE**!)

(**LLOYD** died!)

(**COLETTE** used** LIFE BOTTLE **on** LLOYD**!)

(**LLOYD** regained consciousness!)

(**LLOYD** used **TWIG FANG**!)

(**S. GOLEM **received** 9.003 DAMAGE**!)

(**GENIS** used **THROW: BALL-AND-CHAIN**!)

(**S. GOLEM **received **102 DAMAGE**!)

(**KRATOS** used **HELM SPLITTER**!)

(**S. GOLEM **received **539.7 DAMAGE**!)

(**S. GOLEM **used **STEROID ADVANCED HEALING**!)

(**S. GOLEM **has been fully healed!)

(**LLOYD** used **TWIG RAGE**!)

(**S. GOLEM **received **49.53 DAMAGE**!)

(**COLETTE** used** RADIOACTIVE CHEERIO**!)

(**S. GOLEM **received **371.928 DAMAGE**!)

(**S. GOLEM **got the status effect **RADIATION**!)

(**GENIS** used **CHAIN SMASH**!)

(**S. GOLEM **received **239 DAMAGE**!)

(**KRATOS** used **GREAT SPIN ATTACK**!)

(**S. GOLEM **received **7392 DAMAGE**!)

(**S. GOLEM **used **STEROID TORNADO **on **PARTY**!)

(**LLOYD** received **9999 DAMAGE**!)

(**GENIS** received **9999 DAMAGE**!)

(**COLETTE** received** 9999 DAMAGE**!)

(**KRATOS** received **1 DAMAGE**!)

(**LLOYD** died!)

(**GENIS** died!)

(**COLETTE **died!)

(**S. GOLEM **received **49 DAMAGE **from **RADIATION**!)

(**KRATOS** used** FAIRY BOTTLE x3**!)

(**LLOYD **regained consciousness!)

(**GENIS **regained consciousness!)

(**COLETTE **regained consciousness!)

(**LLOYD **used** LEAF STORM**!)

(**S. GOLEM **received **300 DAMAGE**!)

(**LLOYD **received **100 RECOIL DAMAGE**!)

(**GENIS **used** INDIGNATE JUDGMENT**!)

(**S. GOLEM **received** 9999 DAMAGE**!)

(**COLETTE **used** CHEERIO ORBIT**!)

(**S. GOLEM **received **123 DAMAGE**!)

(**S. GOLEM **used **STEROID ADVANCED HEALING**!)

(**S. GOLEM **has been fully healed!)

(**S. GOLEM **received **42 DAMAGE **from **RADIATION**!)

(**LLOYD **used** PAPER CUT**!)

(**S. GOLEM **received **23 DAMAGE**!)

(**GENIS** used** BRAINWAVE**!)

(**S. GOLEM **received **327 DAMAGE**!)

(**S. GOLEM **got the status effect **STUPID**!)

(**COLETTE **used **SUPER CHEERIO**!)

(**S. GOLEM **received **72 DAMAGE**!)

(**KRATOS** used** LIMIT BREAK: DECAPITATION**!)

(**S. GOLEM **received **XXXX DAMAGE**!)

(**S. GOLEM **died!)

(**PARTY **received **STEROID TABLETS**!)

(**PARTY** received** ROCK x423**!)

The Steroid Golem blew up into 100 rock blocks.

"Damn it, Kratos, why didn't you do that in the first place?" Lloyd screamed.

"Because I want to see how much you suck," Kratos replied. "And it makes the authoress kill herself typing all of that."

I heard that, Kratos. And yes, it hurt. HAPPY?

"Well, then, let's push all of these blocks into the holes in the ground," Kratos said. The four pushed all of the blocks, save five, into the abysmal holes. Eventually, the blocks created a bridge that led to the pedestal on which the Sorcerer's Ring was on. The party walked over there.

"So this is the Sorcerer's Ring!" exclaimed Genis. "It looks pretty ancient."

"So...shiny...," gawked Colette.

"OMG A RING!" Lloyd shouted in glee. He took the ring off of the pedestal. A mummy fell from the ceiling.

"A-Aah! What's going on?" cried Genis.

"...Hey, is it Halloween?" asked Lloyd. "WHY DID NO ONE TELL ME AGAIN?"

"Huh? What's that smell?" asked Colette, sniffing the air.

"That's the scent of decaying flesh," Kratos bluntly said.

The mummy was still on the ground.

"Hey, is that a tag?" Lloyd asked while examining a tag on the mummy. "Uhh...Chosen number fo--"

Kratos ran over and kicked the mummy into the abyss. "Nothing here to see. Let's head back to the portal near the beginning."

"Okay!" Lloyd and Colette shouted in unison.

"I don't know about this...," sighed Genis. He then realized he was alone. In the creepy, big room. Where there were other mummies taped to the rafters. "AAAAAAAAHH!" Genis screamed and ran out.

Eventually, Genis made his way to Lloyd and the others. When he found them, the three were having a picnic. Lloyd was eating a steak, Colette was eating Slimes' bubbles, and Kratos wasn't really doing anything.

"Jeez, Genis, what took ya so long?" asked Lloyd. "We're halfway through our picnic."

"I was gone for only _one_ sentence!" screamed Genis. "What kind of picnic lasts for less than a paragraph?"

"No, you were gone for three sentences, not including my sentences earlier," pointed out Lloyd.

"Since Genis is here, we should proceed," Kratos said. The picnic stuff suddenly poofed. Even Lloyd's awesome steak.

"WAAAAAAAAHH, MY STEAAAAKKK!" Lloyd cried and broke down.

"I think this is strawberry," said Colette, chewing on on a bubble. "No...it's watermelon! No..."

"IT'S CHERRY," said Kratos. "Now can we _please_ go?"

"Hey, you know what's the scariest part of Halloween?" pondered Lloyd.

"The movies?" guessed Genis.

"The pentagram?" suggested Colette.

"A guy in spandex," said Kratos.

"No, no, no," whined Lloyd. "Giving away all of your Reeseeeeess!"

"Hm, I dunno, movies are pretty scary."

"I've met a pentagram before."

Everyone just stared at Colette.

"...You can't meet a pentagram," said Lloyd.

"Nu-uh!" cried Colette. "I've met a pentagram before! Its name was Lucifer and I have its phone number!"

More staring.

"...It's true!"

"Let's be on our way," sighed Kratos. "Lloyd, shoot--"

Lloyd shot Kratos's arm with the ring. Kratos's arm was soon engulfed in flames. Kratos just blankly stared at the fire.

"ZOMG KRATOS YOU'RE ON FIRE!" screamed Genis.

"Hm." Kratos ignored the fire and shrugged it off (as in he didn't care). The fire continued to try to eat him.

"RAWR!"

"Uhh, why aren't you dead?" asked Lloyd, somewhat creeped out.

"Because," replied Kratos. "Let's be on our way," he said again. "And Lloyd, this time, shoot the magical, shiny portal that has a Pac-Man on it."

A Pac-Man was busily eating a piece of a dustbunny. The dustbunny was crying in pain.

"NOOOOO, HE ATE MY EAR!"

"AHAHAHAHA I'M SO EVIL!" shouted the Pac-Man. Lloyd shot the Pac-Man. Pac-Man dude died. "NOOOOOOO!"

"So I shoot this green and or blue portal thing in our way, right?" asked Lloyd.

"Duh," said Genis. "And way to go for pointing out the obvious, Lloyd."

"Thanks!" replied Lloyd. He shot the awesome portal. It made a funny noise, started bubbling, and dissipated into mist, which also eventually dissipated into more mist, which dissipated into nothing, except for a little bit more mist. I would go further into this fascinating fact, but then we'd be here all day.

After Colette finally realized how to use the portal, the foursome teleported to the Martel Temple altar. In the circular room, there were columnades that had crayon markings on them. There was also a single window, in which you could see the **WHOLE WORLD! **Colette found that exceedingly fascinating. Oh yeah, there was also this unimportant portal thing in the center of the circle room.

"Where are we?" asked Lloyd, dumbfounded by the childish intricacies of crayon art.

"We're in the altar," stated Kratos, who hated everyone with the passion of level ten.

All of a sudden, a shiny beam of light appeared from the center of the ceiling. It grew larger, then a shiny puff ball of something dramatically floated down. The children were very, very, very, very, very, very captivated by this little ball of fluff. Kratos pretended to care. It's not as if he saw this hundreds of times over the past four thousand years because he helped the Sylvarant Chosens come here to get their oracles. Definitely not that.

The magic puffball then started emitting light. There was then an eye-blinding flash.

"OH JESUS, MY EYES!" screamed Lloyd.

"AAAAAAAUUUGHH!" cried Genis.

"Oooh...," said Colette, transfixed by the godly bright light. Hey, I rhymed. I rule!

After the blinding flash, a man dude was in the place of the light ball. He was a blondie, had an atrocious priest hat, and wore the ugliest shade of green on his cleric coat...thing. His shoes were also puke-green. In his left hand was a clump of cotton, and the other had a goblet of "wine" (in reality, it was grape juice).

"Oh my god, Toast, OH. MY. GAWD. The party was frikkin' hawt!" exclaimed the angel, seemingly becoming drunk off of the juice. "Haha, sucks you got stuck with these douchebags! Yuan even--"

"What are you talking about?" asked Genis, perplexed. "And why are you holding cotton?"

"Toast, who are--" started the angel, but was cut off by Kratos's If-you-don't-shut-up-you're-gonna-get-sacked glare. "Dude, Toast! Why so cold? Not cool, like, totally."

"Who's 'Toast'?" asked Lloyd.

"Beats me," sighed Genis. "Is it me, or all of these angels have some sort of brainworm?" He pointed to Colette. She was sucking on her thumb, amazed by a beetle.

"Toast, why won't you talk to me?" cried the angel.

"What the heck are you talking about," boredly said Kratos.

"OHH, I GET IT," exclaimed the angel. "THIS PERSON'S THE CHOSEN. OHH...NO WONDER YGGIE SENT ME HERE!"

"Yggie?" asked Lloyd.

"No one, probably," replied Kratos. He gave Remiel the you're-going-to get-raped glare.

The angel quickly finished his grape juice, cleared his throat, and stuffed the cotton in his left pocket.

"I am Remiel, a holy angel of Cruxis," Remiel said in a suddenly bold and formal voice. "You, Colette, Chosen of Sylvarant, have come here to obtain your oracle, yes?"

"Uh-huh," said Colette. "I get my oracle now! Shiny shiny PINK! Cat dog pineapple hot dog! Blue green red water!"

'...Jeez, what a bimbo,' thought Remiel. 'And I thought Spiritua's bitchiness was the worst.' He cleared his throat. "Yes, to di--err, receive your oracle. Uhh, since you came...and such, the Tower of Salvation will magically rise out of the dirt...NOW!"

There was a humonguous rumbling, which made everyone but Kratos and Remiel scream and duck. Out of the window, the five saw a white pillar coming out from behind some of Hima's mountains.

"HOLY SHEET IT'S THE TOWER OF SALVATION!" screamed Lloyd.

"Wow!" exclaimed Genis.

"What's my oracle?" cried Colette.

"Umm, here," said Remiel, handing Colette a parchment scroll. "Inside are the details of the trip, a handy map, some Mentos, et cetera et cetera." "Et cetera" is "etc.," by the way. In Latin, "et cetera" means "and the rest." I should know, I'm a Latin II student. OH YEAH, PWNED. FEAR MY ASIAN POWERS! ...Bye.

After the strange rant, and Colette trying to read the paper, Remiel spoke up again.

"Colette, Chosen of Mana," he formally-ish said, "to completely fortify and ensure the rebirth of Sylvarant and not Tethe'alla, you must journey to the ends of the earth, searching for what is not as it first seems."

Colette lost Remiel at "completely." "...I don't understand big words."

Remiel twitched. "Ah, yes, your...complex. Very well; I shall grant you ninety experience points. You can now talk as long or as short as you wish. However, you must now do the journey, regardless if you want or not."

"Whyyyy?" cried Colette. "Why can't you angels just make everything all right? Can't you?"

"HOLY FISHCAKES, COLETTE CAN TALK! NORMALLY!" screamed Genis, running around the room.

"Well, to be frank, we're not angels," said Remiel. "We're actually messengers of Cruxis and monkey-boys of Yggie."

The kids were confuzzled by this, and Kratos gave Remiel a percent-daily-values-are-based-on-a-two-thousand-calorie-diet glare. Remiel started to cry.

"TOAST, YOU'RE SO CRUEL!" Remiel cried. "I'M GONE!"

"No, wait!" shouted Colette. "Are...Are you my..._father_?"

"Err, isn't Frank your dad?" asked Lloyd.

"Daddy said I never had a mommy, so I assumed I must've had another daddy," explained Colette. Holy crabs, she's making eloquence!

"So Frank's gay?"

"Umm...I dunno..."

"Anyways," said Remiel, "Colette, you will travel to the desert south of Iselia. There lies the first of four seals: the Seal of Fire. Defeat the guardian and offer your prayers at the altar."

"But, are you my father?" asked Colette.

"What? What the heck? Fuck no!" shouted Remiel.

"OKI, DADDY!" chirped Colette.

"Uh, well, have fun Toast...and peoples." Remiel then started to slowly glow, and then vanished into mist, which turned into more mist, which then vanished into feathers. Of mist. Colette was captivated by the fuzzy feathers. She stuffed as much as she could in her pockets.

"Well, that's that," said Kratos. "The Chosen and I will head to town to discuss the journey." He and Colette left the altar. After Lloyd and Genis had a small talk and ate sandwiches, they too left.

"Hey, Genis, how do angels put on their clothes without ripping them?"

"Gee, Lloyd, if you like Colette that much, just tell her."

"I DIDN'T MEAN IT LIKE **THAT**!"

"Well--"

"AHA!" Genis was cut off by a scream. Raine jumped down from the rafters and kicked Genis--mid-air--into the wall. She then socked Lloyd in the balls, which sent him crashing into another portion of wall.

"That's for not listening to me!" shouted Raine. "Now leave!" She ran deeper into the temple like a madwoman.

"Gawd...," Lloyd winced, clutching his...yeah.

"Aaaaah...," whined Genis, having lost the ability to talk.

After the two regained full mobility, they painfully limped back to Iselia. When they were just about to exit, they heard a ear-shattering laugh.

"**MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA**!"

There was a ticking and then a boom.

"Was that...?"

"Let's just go, Lloyd..."

---

Lyall: Yay spring break! 

Lloyd: Lucky...

Genis: We have break, too, ya know.

Lloyd: ...Oh, really? Hahaha... 

Zelos: Heh, when I was in school, I aced all of my tests.

Sheena: Yeah, because you copied notes and made girls take tests for you..

Zelos: ...THAT'S SO NOT TRUE, SHEENA. I HAVE THE EVIDENCE TO PROVE IT.

Sheena: Riiiight...

Lyall: Apparently, Knight of Ratatosk is supposed to hit the states in fall 2008... YAY!

Yuan: I wonder if I'll be in it...

Lyall: I'm wondering if we see Kratos as more than a narrator in-game.

Yuan: ...I'M SO UNLOVED! (runs away)

Martel: Nuuuuu, Yuan...! (huggles Yuan)

Yuan: SEE, KRATOS, MY GIRLFRIEND **LOVES** ME!

Kratos: Good for you...

Lyall: Oh, people that read this, I actually wrote this back in December, but I'm a lazy fatass, so I don't upload these. (sigh)


End file.
